Obedience and the ripple it causes..

        When I was in high school, I was actually a pretty bad kid. I got into a lot of trouble and made one bad choice after another. It is very surprising to me that I didn't end up in jail. It is only by God's divine plan that I didn't. I dropped out of school at 17 years old and continued on the path I was choosing to walk. I never went to get my GED. I was too embarrassed to even tell anyone that  I didn't have it to even get information on how to get it. But still, God had a plan.
         When I was 26 years old, I was still making bad choices. I was dragging my husband and kids through my problems with alcohol. My cousin came to me one day and asked us if we wanted to go to church with him at this church up the road from us. We ended up going and boy did I try everything I could to not go. I started fights with my husband on Sundays and Wednesdays as an excuse not to go. Being the wonderful man he is, he would load up our kids and go without me. Praise God for the guilt I felt when he would come home because eventually I gave in to the Lord and started going regularly. I remember that for the first year, I cried through every service. Sometimes I even sobbed to the point that I'm sure I embarrassed the people around me. I raised my hand at the end of every service for the pastor to pray for me and for the Lord to come into my heart. I don't remember the exact day I received Christ but one day i'm sure i'll know. 
         Over the next couple years I was determined to follow Christ. I wanted to know everything about Him that I could know. A day came though that I stumbled and fell back into my old ways. I started to hurt the people around me again because I lost focus on Jesus. I remember having this EXTREMELY vivid dream one night. It would freak you out if I told you, so I will keep that one to myself for now. It shook my whole world though. It was a glimpse of my future if I continued to make these choices after learning about and accepting Christ, because I knew better. I confessed every sin I had committed against my husband over a 3 day period. I remember sitting on the front porch of my house and just crying out to God. I pleaded with Him to not make me tell my wonderful husband of all my treachery because he would leave. God was honest with me and told me something that I will never forget. He told me how healing comes with honesty and humility. That sometimes we have to admit our faults because in this is the only way to truly be healed. He even told me that if my husband chose to leave me and take my child, that was a consequence I would have to deal with because it was a just decision. I deserved it. I truly deserved it. Even after knowing he may leave me, I was still honest because I desired God and His plan more than anything else.
        This started something in me. For the first time in my life, I was free and clean. No secrets, no dark rooms in the house of my mind. All the lights were on and I could finally move forward. One of the secrets I had confessed to my husband was that I had never finished school. It may seem like a stupid thing to need to come clean about but it was important. On my 30th birthday, God spoke to my heart and told me that He wanted me to go to school. That His plan for me was to help children in some way. I remember that I chewed on this information for a couple days and didn't tell anyone. The weekend came and my husband and I had decided to go to one of my favorite places to eat to celebrate my birthday. On our way back we were talking about God's plan for our lives and I told him that a couple days earlier, I really felt the Lord had told me to go to school for ministry. He looked at me amazed and said that the Lord had told him the same thing a couple days before. Wow! What amazing confirmation. That was all I needed though. 5 Months later I had my GED and was enrolled in my first semester of college. After a long thought process I actually began a degree in psychology.
         About 6 weeks into my first semester of college, I began to get depressed. I didn't know why I was depressed. I had all A's in my classes. I was balancing school and home pretty well I thought. Something just wasn't right though and I was just miserable. I had even began to question if God was even real. Earlier in the year, my husband became part of a motorcycle ministry called the Priesthood, which was wonderful. Some of the people in the Priesthood had decided that they would have a worship night once a month at a church called God's Shining Light and use it as a way to come together and have special prayer and fellowship for the leaders and pastors of other churches and Priesthood members, but it is open for everyone. One of the Saturday nights we were intending to go, we had a bad storm come through the town we live in. My mom was watching my kids while we went to the worship night and everything in me didn't want to go. I was worried about my mom and the kids because they all get scared during bad storms. My husband kept telling me that it was just the enemy trying to keep me from going. We even got to the church and had a little argument in the parking lot before we went in. He convinced me that we needed to be there and stomping my feet basically, in we went. 
        To back up a little. The previous Thursday, we were supposed to have a guest speaker in my psychology class. I had to leave early though because there was an issue with one of my kids at school, thus  I missed my class and the guest speaker. The worship night was the following Saturday.
        So, we go into the church and the evening begins with worship and prayer. Pastor Dixie Pebworth opened the alter for prayer. I stood there and watched as so many people went forward and people began to put their hands out and pray. Something kept nudging me to go, but my brain fought it with things like "why do you need prayer? Nothing is wrong with you. Your not sick." After about 5 minutes, the Lord finally broke through to me. He showed me my pride and asked me if I wanted to continue trying to fight alone. I left my place of comfort and pride and went to the alter for prayer. I stood in front of Pastor Dixie and just cried. He asked me what I need prayer for and all I could spit out was I don't know. I began to sob and tell him how I was so sad and didn't know why. I just cried and cried and he told me to pray what he was praying. I even remember that I started to pray my own  words and he told me to be quiet. Wow, I needed to hear that! It was a little reminder that sometimes we need to be quiet and listen. I started to feel hands of others on my shoulders and cried even harder. Pastor Dixie asked me a question while I stood there. He asked me how long I had been a believer. I told him 4 years. He looked at me for a second and told me something that opened my eyes. He said that sometimes the depression we feel is actually grieving. It could be that the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me something that I'm not hearing and that  I needed to ask the Lord and then listen. He prayed some more and then after I felt like it was okay to go and realizing I could stand in that place for hours, I moved out of the way for the others who need prayer. I went back to my place and just sat and was quiet. 
        After the service concluded, Pastor Dixie came and found me. He asked me a couple questions about my life and I told him about the journey I had taken over the past 10 months and that I was in school for psychology. He began to tell me a story about a lady that used to attend his church. He told me how she was faithful and came every Sunday. She felt a call on her life and went to school for psychology because she thought that was what it was for. He said that the lady had slowly started missing church and that eventually she didn't come at all.
Two years had passed and he received a phone call from her. He said that she told him she didn't believe in God anymore. After a few minutes of conversation he told her that she did believe in God and that if she didn't, she wouldn't have called him. He asked her what had happened and why she left the church. She told him how she felt led to psychology, but the longer that she was in school, the more depressed she got and the more she questioned whether God was real. Eventually, she left the church because of this. What Pastor Dixie was telling me was exactly my life but I had told not one person my thoughts and feelings other than I was sad. In this moment I realized that this Pastor was a voice of the Lord. I felt a blanket of peace and clarity fall all over me. He told me how psychology was the world's way of helping people. He said that even though it was good for some people, God's plan for helping people was better than anything the world could teach, and the God was the best teacher of all. I made a decision in that moment that I was no longer going to go to school. Pastor Dixie told me that I should complete the semester at least because God did not call us to be quitters. I started the semester, so I should finish it.
        Tuesday came and I sure didn't want to go to school. I remembered what the pastor had said though so I was going to finish the semester but not go back after that. On my way to school, I called my dear friend Pam. I told her about the amazing thing that had happened Saturday night and all that Pastor Dixie had said. She told me that she agreed 100% with everything he said except one thing, that I finish the semester. She told me how anytime she was doing something out of God's will, that the only thing to do was to stop doing it. Well, these both seemed like correct answers. I decided to go ahead and go to school that day because I was undecided about what to do all together. It was so difficult when I got there because I just felt like this was not at all where I was supposed to be. Still I went through each class. My third class of the day was my psychology class. This is where God truly showed me how much He loves us. I went into my psychology class and next to my professor sat a skinny, frail, young woman. When class began, the professor started talking about how she was the guest speaker we were supposed to have the previous Thursday (the class I had to miss) and she couldn't make it but was going to speak today. I could tell by looking at her that she had suffered a hard life and concluded that we were probably going to be hearing about her testimony. 
        Our guest starting talking about her life and how she had been a meth user. She got really personal and talked about some really tough things. I remember sitting there thinking about all the  other students in the class. I was the oldest and had kids of my own. I was probably the only one with kids actually. Most everyone was fresh out of high school. I remember thinking I was going to be strong for the woman as she spoke. I kept the most loving smile on my face that I could because I wanted her to see that even if everyone in the class judged her, I wasn't. She kept her eyes on me and the professor the whole time. After she was finished speaking, I went up and hugged her and told her that what she was doing was a wonderful thing and that even though it was hard, she could do it. Our class ended a little early and so I went to stand in the hall in front of my last class and wait. As I stood there, I heard the voice of one of my classmates sitting at the end of the hall. She asked me to come sit with her. I remember telling her I didn't even notice the chairs down there to sit in. We sat there for a while and talked about the history exam we were about to take. My history teacher even saw us and came and sat down to chat. We sat there past the time that we usually went into class. When we all realized what time it was, we began to get our things and as I gathered mine, my psychology professor came around the corner with his guest speaker. He was chatting with her as they walked and I spoke up and told them to have a good day because they didn't see me sitting there. He stopped dead in his tracks and smiled at me. He said "Laura I just want to tell you thank you." I looked at him pretty crazy i'm sure and so he began to tell me about the guest he had. He said that it was her first time to ever speak to anyone and that I had helped her tremendously because she could keep looking at me during her testimony and seeing reassurance in my face. She was standing behind him just smiling as he told me this and then she reached around and hugged me. It almost made me cry. After that they were gone and I went to my last class.
         That night and the next couple days I was just so confused about what I should do concerning school. Both things seemed like right answers. I remember standing in my room and I said out loud, "God, I don't know which way is right, to quit now or finish the semester!" I was getting frustrated at my self and then  I began to think about grace, and how God loves us more than we could ever know. I decided that since both seemed right, I would just make my decision based on what I wanted which was to withdraw. I told the Lord that if it was wrong, I was sorry but that I knew He could see my heart and that my every intention was to do what what was right and pleasing to Him. I told Him that I knew I had His grace and that He loved me no matter which way I chose. I also told Him that I believed His grace would carry me through and help me if the choice I made was a mistake and I still stand on this.
        The next day was Wednesday and I was at my church, Church on the Move, and I was waiting for our volunteer meeting to start. The volunteer leader had asked me how things were going and I gave him a very short answer about the past week and his response was one that helped me see. He said something like sometimes we go through things in life that make no sense, but it creates a ripple that we don't see and that we never know who it impacts. In a moment a saw the guest speaker and how shining my God given light to her just may have been to strength she needed to share her testimony with others and that if even one life is saved, it's worth it.
        For a while I thought about all the sacrifices I had to make to get my GED and then to go to school. I even remember thinking that from the outside, it looked like it was all for nothing. So many people questioned me when I told them I had withdrawn from school. They looked at me like I had made another mistake. However, I choose to believe that if all the sacrifice I made helped even one person, it's worth it. I, in no way compare to Jesus, but to have opportunities to show the love of Christ to another is worth every sacrifice. You see, Jesus went to the cross for every person. He knew that there would be people that rejected Him. He knew that people would mock Him. He still did it though. He still laid down His life for each of us equally. 
        It humbles and excites me to be used by the Lord. I am in no way special though. God will give each and every one of us opportunities to lay down our life for another. I may never know who was affected by my decision to do what I believe God wanted me to do , but I don't care. Jesus knows. Every choice we make could potentially affect another persons life. I decided that laying down one year of my life is most definitely worth helping another, even if it was only one. 
        I pray that this helps someone. I pray that it encourages each reader to seek what the Lord might have for them. He has a plan for us all, but the choice is ours to be easy to lead. I ask that each of us that reads this say a pray for the lady that spoke to our class that day. I think her name was Amy. The Lord knows her name though. Pray for her to be strong through every testimony she gives and to be strong to keep giving her testimony. Pray for her children and family because her choices have and will impact them. Pray that the Lord's glory is manifested through her. Thank you for reading. Please share and God bless you.
       
        

2 and counting....

So I suppose I need to continue on. I was wondering what would be next to talk about but really I think my mini miracles need some more credit. God has manifested  Himself in my life in so many ways so I just need to keep sharing. When I was leaving to take my kids to school this morning, one thing really stuck out in my head. This one was one of the craziest for me. Unfortunately I can't include all the details because of some of the circumstances that made this truly amazing, but I will do the best I can.
        When I was 17 I had a baby boy. I was a very very rebellious teenager and wanted everything to be my way which is exactly how I ended up pregnant. I had moved out of my dads house the previous year and my boyfriend and I bounced around between my moms and his moms. It was not a fun time. And if anybody that reads this is contemplating getting pregnant and you are young and not married with no job. DON'T DO IT! Ok just had to say that. 
         Moving on.. At the time my son was born we actually lived with my boyfriends mom. Her and I got along sometimes. She was very angry at the fact that her son and I had a baby and she voiced it  frequently. Now that I am older I TOTALLY understand. At 17, you don't understand anything. Well one day I was home and there was an incident. I can't disclose what but it was bad. I had to go to my boyfriends mom and my boyfriend and tell them what had happened. I in no way shape or form had done anything wrong, it was actually someone else's actions against me. Being that it was what it was, nobody believed me and I had to move out. That woman hated me, which being an adult I now understand.It's important for me to share that part because, you need to understand the situation between us all.
           My son lives in a different state with his dad so I usually only get to see him around holidays and summer. The occasional random weekend. You get the drift. Well His grandmother would go get him sometimes. And while he (Zackary) was in town he would always want to go to my moms house and hang out with my younger sister and play video games all night. Zackary's grandmother had her own business and sometimes she would come to our little town for business, so if Zack was with her, she would drop him off at my moms and pick him up later or I would take him home. She had never once been to my house though.
         Almost 10 yrs went by since I had actually saw her face, let alone spoke to her. The last time I saw her was on not so good terms so it didn't surprise me that there was never any interaction. 
          So, about 2 weeks after we got the house, we were of course broke because we had given all of our money to get it. Zack happened to come into to town and it was right before his birthday. It was a very unexpected visit. I didn't have a way to get him anything for his birthday really or have a party so I did what I knew how to do, I prayed. Saturday came and I had to work. While I was there, I got a phone call from my husband. He said "Um.... Zackary's grandma just stopped by here. She gave me an envelope for you". ....... What? Well, what is it? Was she alone? How did she even know where we lived? It's not anthrax is it?!?!   I got him to open it and inside the envelope was 2 hundred dollar bills! I had no clue what to say. I was absolutely beside my self. This woman, that I thought hated me and I had not seen in 10 years came by my house and dropped off money for me! My brain did not understand. It made no sense! 
           As soon as I got off work, I called her. I started to cry on the phone telling her how she had been my blessing because now I could give Zackary a birthday party! I just kept thanking her over and over. She was even crying.The conversation was short because it was a little awkward for the both of us. I thanked God! Again He had heard me and answered my prayer! 
           We had the birthday party and it was great! Another two weeks went by. It was actually the time period that I quit my job so I was home. There was a knock at the door. It was Pam (Zack's grandma). She said I just want you to have this. I would have given it to you all at once but I didn't have it". She handed me another envelope. I knew it was money but didn't know how much. I tried to give it back to her but she refused to take it. I followed her to her truck still trying to give it back. She was adamant that I was keeping it. I looked at her and said "Why Pam, I don't understand"... Her eyes filled with tears and she said "Laura, I had so many hard times in my life that were difficult because of not having enough money and people came through to me and provided me with things that I would not have been able to get if it wasn't for them. I'm in a position to help and God put it in my heart that you were going to need it." She said she knew I was no longer working. I had never told her that and it was so recent that not really anyone knew yet, but she knew. I hugged her and cried. (Because again, thats what I tend to do)
             Over the next few months, I saw her quite often. We actually had developed a friendship. Her husband was very sick and was in bed a lot so she actually got quite lonely. Zack's dad was her only child and since he lived so far away, she didn't really have anyone. God spoke to my heart one day and told me that He brought her to me because she was going to need me more than I needed what she had done for me  so I started taking a very active interest in her life. My husband and I started going over there to help her with yard work that her husband could no longer do. We all celebrated Thanksgiving together. I even went over there and put up her Christmas tree for her, which took like 5 hours because she literally had hundreds of tiny little ornaments. I called her often to check on her. We celebrated Christmas with her. I grew to love her so much. The first of January rolled around and for two weeks I tried to call her but no answer. At the end of January she finally called me. I asked her how things were and asked her how her husband was. She then told me that two weeks before, he had died. She said that she was dealing with it the best she could and just wasn't ready to talk about it. We didn't talk long. Over the next month I tried calling a couple times but I figured she needed space. I was kind of hurt because I missed her and loved her just like she was my mom. I was hurt because I couldn't help. I cried and was just asking God what I could do. As soon as I asked that question, I knew. The purpose that God had intended was accomplished. She needed someone to help get her through the end of her husbands life. Someone to lean on a little and keep her busy, some joy in that very difficult time. I was that person for her. I have only talked to her once since then and that was almost two years ago. I still miss her but I in some weird way understand that her not really talking to me is ok. I don't know why I understand, but I just do. God used me where He needed me. We needed each other actually.
            When I think about this time in my life, I realize all the things I learned. I learned that relationships with others are so important. I learned that God's plan is so huge and that sometimes it's better that we don't understand. I learned that there are so many things in life that are more valuable than any amount of money. I would have gladly given every bit of that money back to her and still done everything I had done because that relationship blessed us me too. I still think of her and pray for her. I call her sometimes and just leave a message letting her know she is on my mind and that I hope all is well. I don't know why this story was on my heart to share, but i'm sure He does. Please, if you like it, share it with someone else. Thank you for reading! God Bless!

My first blog ever...

 My first blog EVER... Lets see how it goes. First I suppose a little about me. Well my name is Laura. I'm a wife to a wonderful man named Bryan that has truly been a God send. I have 4 amazing kids. I am fortunate enough to get to stay home and raise my children. I worked for a lot of years in retail and last year I had to make the decision to stay home. My family was suffering because of my choices. Many of my blogs to come will be about my life and my journey. Not because I need anyone to know me but because through me, I hope people will come to know Jesus and His faith in His lost sheep along with His unending mercy. 

         Something I want people to understand is that they are not alone. Life is hard for everyone at one time or another. For some people, life feels hard everyday.I hope to help it feel not so hard. I hope to provide people with an antidote for pain. All of this is of course with God's guidance because I am not capable of helping anyone unless He helps me first. He will direct my path :)

         I guess I need to choose a topic for this particular blog. I think I would love to share my miracles. I have seen a few that were very significant for my life. These are the things that I can say are the very foundation of me starting to understand the power of prayer and God's omnipotence. 

         My husband and I started going to our church about 3 years ago. I was raised to believe in God and so was he but we sure didn't live like it.When I was little, my grandparents had a little ministry that they did out of their home. I can remember going to a couple churches and even being baptized in a lake. I was aware that there was a God and I was also aware of Jesus. I would have told anyone that asked me that I believed, but my life reflected just the opposite.I hadn't learned yet the significance of my lifestyle. My cousin came to me one day, and even though I don't think he knew all my dark secrets, he knew enough to say this "Laura, if you don't change your ways, you are going straight to hell". WOW! What a thing to say to a person. Thank God for my grandparents and their little ministry because at that exact moment, the little seed that had been planted in me probably 15 to 20 years before had just rooted. Even though I was like how dare you! I knew the truth when I heard it. My cousin asked my boyfriend and me to go to church with him. Ok, I can do that and Bryan agreed. Sunday came and of course, we sat in the back and from the moment we sat down and service started, I bawled like a baby. I think it was probably typical for the average sinner to cry at church but maybe not to the point that there were snot bubbles popping in their eye. Ok ok maybe not in my eye, but you get the idea.

               For a while after that I fought church. When Sundays came, I picked fights to stay home. I was too tired or sick or headache and on and on. But my Bryan :) he still went and luckily for me made me feel guilty every time afterwards. Little did I know, the times that I did go, Jesus had already begun changing me. One day it hit me. "You have got to fix this Laura and NOW!" We couldn't get married fast enough! I got saved at Christmas time and by Feb 28th, I had become Mrs. Bryan. The first year was hard for us. I would say we stumbled around a lot but actually it was more like I tripped us up a lot. I had a lot of bad habits that died really really hard. We also had experienced a tough time financially. We lost the house we lived in and had to move us and my kids in with my mother. I was grateful to have a roof over my head but man that house was toxic! Fighting was the topic of conversation everyday. Bryan and I looked for what seemed like forever for a new house. It only actually took about six weeks but this is where our first miracle came in. I was outside one night and was just talking to God. Now, the day before, my sister had told me she saw a house for rent and gave me the number. I guess she had copied it down wrong because when I called it was disconnected or something. I just wrote it off as no big deal. So, I'm outside and talking to God and the conversation went like this "God, I just don't understand. We have been looking for a house and praying about a house but everything is a dead end. Where are you and why aren't you helping?" His reply "Laura, how can you expect me to do what you ask, when you can't do what I ask?" That was actually very heavy to me and made 100% legitimate sense. "Ok God, what do you want me to do?"  He said "quit smoking and stop drinking energy drinks because you are addicted to them both." Ok when you are a smoker and are addicted to caffeine, giving them both up at the same time isn't always peachy, but God wanted me to do it so He helped me.

            After becoming in agreement with God, I went inside to tell Bryan my most awesome revelation. A house was coming soon!

            THE VERY NEXT DAY!! We were driving along and passed this house that I just loved. I had always said that when I grew up, I wanted a house with a porch all the way around. Well, I got exactly what I asked for. This house was awesome! I copied down the number and went back to my moms to call and to my surprise it was the same number my sister had given me, except two numbers were switched. I called and a man answered. I asked him if he could show us the house and he said well, how about I tell you where the key is and you just go look and tell me what you think. A little weird but ok. We did just that. It was perfect for us. We live in a small town near a big lake so houses go fast. I called him again and told him I loved it. The problem was, we didn't have enough money yet for the deposit and I was so desperate for this house. I started to tell the man about our situation and he said you know what, God has put in my heart to let you move in and not pay me anything yet. Just give me what you have and we will work the rest out. That man was my first miracle! Never in my life had anyone ever been so kind to us and trust us with something that big. We had a home again that was ours! God blessed me with a house exactly the way I wanted it to be! 

        Miracle number 2:)  I continued to work, and sadly, there were a lot of poor choices that stared me in the face at that job. There were also a lot of changes being made to the company that most of the employees recognized as being bad. I felt this urgency in my heart to get out of there. God did not want me working at that place.After a little over 5yrs I quit. I had many reasons why I think He didn't want me there but my heart says its a reason I was fortunate enough to not know. Quitting, however, was very hard for me. I had 3 young children and had never been a stay at home mom. I actually never wanted to be either. I just didn't feel like I was the stay home and be Betty Crocker type of person. I quit in September and by the end of November we started struggling again. I was so worried about bills and what we were going to eat from day to day. Plus Christmas was coming and I hadn't bought one gift nor did I think I was going to. One particular Sunday was especially hard. We had got a cut off notice and our electricity was going to be shut of that very next day. I had asked my dad for so much in the past that I refused to ask him for anymore help. 2 months before the man bought us a brand new refrigerator because we didn't have one. Anyhow, it's Sunday and tomorrow the electricity is getting cut off. I was at my breaking point. I got down on my hands and knees and cried out to God. Please I begged. Please God get us through. We have this bill and it's this much and we have no food and no money. I cried and prayed for a while. Something came over me and said get up and clean your house. My husband asked me what in the world I was doing. I went from crying to cleaning. He thought it was some new woman thing I hadn't revealed to him yet. But I told him that company was coming and I needed to clean. Then he really thought I lost it. 

                 9pm Sunday evening there's a knock at the door. I opened to find my dad and step mom with arms full of groceries. My husband and I were just amazed. How did they know? How did they know we didn't have any food? They brought all the groceries in and we chatted for a little bit and I cried a lot because that's just what I do now. As we were saying our goodbyes, my dad hands me some rolled up money and said this is what was left over from my extra money after buying the food and it was in my heart to give it to you. It was exactly to the penny enough money for the electric bill. GOD HEARD ME! It could only be God. I didn't ask for my dads help. Not this time. I didn't ask anyone EXCEPT God! And He heard me. He answered my prayer. 

                I am so glad I decided to write this blog. It has helped me to revisit the things in my life that God has done for me and feel the love that He has. God is so good. I hope this blesses someone. I hope that it encourages someone to revisit a time in their life when you felt His great great love for you. I want people to realize that God is always for us. With Him we are always the winning team. My hope is for people to realize that a relationship with Him is a partnership. He wants to bless us and help us with everything, but He also wants us to do our part. Sometimes the only thing keeping us from the victory or the answered prayer is a simple act of obedience. Thanks for reading!